Im sure some of you noticed that its been quiet around these parts the past week or so. Well I wanted to update on whats going on. This a bit difficult to write, but Ive always felt that talking through what Im feeling is amazing therapy but right now I cant really bring myself to say a lot of these words out loud….so this is something I just need to write about for now. Almost a year ago my father was diagnosed with a malignant schwannoma that had spread to his brain. He had surgery last spring and it was a success and radiation seemed to have eradicated all traces of cancer. However during the holiday season we discovered that the cancer came back and had spread to his spine. The cancer spread very rapidly and the doctors decided that there was nothing that could be done. My father’s cancer was terminal and he would die very soon.
Since Christmas Ive been driving to visit him and the rest of my family in Bakersfield every weekend. Its been hard emotionally to see my father who was such a strong man slowly deteriorate…but I needed to be there for him and my family. Sunday February 8th was to be my Dad’s 57th birthday and even though he wasnt eating solid foods and wasnt speaking, I had planned on making my grandmother’s Italian crepes for him. It was his mothers recipe and after she died almost 7 years ago from Alzheimers, he has not smelled or tasted his mothers crepes since no one in my family had been able to master the recipe.
Unfortunately Saturday night just 1 hour before his 57th birthday my father passed away quietly and surrounded by loved ones. I cant even begin to explain the heartache Im going through, its a loss unlike any loss I have experienced before. I always knew that one day I would loose my father, I just had no idea it would come so soon.
Part of me is devastated and almost angry for all the things I will miss out on. I wont have the opportunity to have my father walk me down the isle, come to my house for Christmas dinner or hold my future child. Im heartbroken that my mother…his wife of over 30 years, will have to retire alone. But at the same time I know that I am fortunate to have had such an amazing father for 24 years…many people I know never knew their fathers or had horrible dads, so Im thankful for my dad even if the time was short. Im also thankful for the lives he touched. As a teacher for 30 years lower income children and adults he had an amazing impact on their lives, Ive been reading the online guest books for him and am overwhelmed with the sheer number of people writing about how much they loved my dad. His memorial service had over 300 people! We were all lucky to have my dad even though our time with him was cut short.
The day after my dad passed away I decided to go ahead and make his mothers crepes as I had originally planned. Even though my grandmother’s recipe is very vague (uses words like scoop and pinch and was more of an ingredient list than anything) I was able to make 2 batches of crepes and some sweet and spicy sausages. When we sat down to dinner my family toasted my Dad and wished him a happy birthday with tears in our eyes. To my surprise and delight the crepes tasted exactly like my grandma’s! I overstuffed them a bit because I didnt take into account the filling expanding when I cooked, but otherwise they were perfect. My mom said that Dad would be proud.
I would share the recipe with you all, but its my grandma’s secret recipe so I cant go about putting it up online for the world to see ;) However I am devising some of my own crepe recipes and I’ll share them with you later. I promise I’ll catch up on all the blogs Ive been meaning to write, Ive got about a dozen floating around in my head right now and I just need the time to write them all out.
I love you Dad and I miss you so much, you always encouraged me to write and read my blogs…I like to think that somewhere out there your spirit is still reading them. This is for you Dad, I love you so much.